Introduction

If you're reading this, you know that I've decided to start writing a blog about parenting.  As the title states, there will be profanity.  If you're easily offended, you might as well stop reading now.  Fuck.  ...I warned you.  If that didn't offend you, please read on :)  We all know that we shouldn't swear at or even in front of our kids.  Having said that, we all fantasize about letting them have it once in a while.

I’ll start by introducing my family.  My husband Lenny is amazing.  He helps with the kids, makes me laugh, and has saved the kids’ lives on more than one occasion when I’m feeling extra psycho.  If I could just get him to close the kitchen cabinets once in a while, he’d be perfect.  I swear, he makes a sandwich and not only leaves everything out, but somehow manages to open every single cabinet door, along with the microwave, and leave them all open.  (Why the hell does he need the microwave to make a PB & J you ask?  I have no fucking clue.)  I walk into the kitchen and feel like I’m one of those people in a scary movie that turns around and magically every fucking door and drawer is just sitting wide open for no damn reason.

But, like I said, other than the fact that he has trouble understanding how doors work, he is the most amazing man I have ever met and I’m glad he’s around to save the lives of my children when I lose my shit.

My kids.  Between the 2 of us, Lenny and I have 3 boys.  Evan and Aiden are mine from a previous marriage and Camden is Lenny’s.  If you’re thinking of stealing their identity just know that none of their last names are the same as mine so in the voice of the creepy guy on the phone talking to Liam Neeson, I say to you, “Good Luck.”

Evan is 11 years old, going on 24.  He is the grouchiest of the 3, although Aiden is definitely catching up to him.  As any intelligent mother would do, I blame their Dad.  I’m never grouchy.  Anyways, Evan has Cystic Fibrosis which brings a lot of extra challenges into our household, but I am proud to say that he is doing very well, all things considered.  He hasn’t been hospitalized for almost 9 months, which is really good for a CFer.  His attitude, on the other hand, could definitely use some work.  If you follow this blog, I’m sure you’ll get to know him real well.

Camden is next on the age totem pole.  He is 8 years old and really into wrestling.  Not that fake Hulk Hogan shit either.  Real wrestling where they diet and spit to make weight.  Ya, you read that correctly.  I recently learned that they can lose some weight by spitting a lot right before a weigh-in.  As a result, I’m constantly washing spit down the drain at our house.  Oh no, not from Camden … Diets haven’t worked real well for me, on account of how much I love food…but I can spit like a mother fucker.

And last but not least, there’s Aiden.  The wig.  He has curly hair that I refuse to cut until he looks like Cousin It just stuck it’s finger into a light socket.  We call him ‘Big Wig’ and we know that he loves that nickname deep down, no matter how many times he tells us to stop calling him that.  He has more energy than I will ever have and plays the ‘I’m the baby’ card better than any child I have ever known.  Unless of course you call him a baby…then, it’s on.  Admittedly, I’ve been using the phrase, “He’s only 6…” since he was 3 so he comes by it honestly.

Speaking of honesty, don’t ever ask him how you look.  He WILL tell you.  The boy has no filter.

And then there’s me.  As you can probably tell, I’m a sarcastic self-proclaimed asshole and if you can’t take a joke, you probably won’t love me.  Anyways, I went to school and became an engineer but then decided that wasn’t for me.  Talk about racking up some student loans for nothing.  Jeesh.  I’m a member of the PTA, I go to church every Sunday, and use any spare time I have to do community service.  I’ve been to Africa 3 times to do what I can to help and I cry and donate at least $100 every time I hear Sarah McLachlan’s voice on an ASPCA commercial.

Just kidding.  I literally have never done any of those things.  Except for being an asshole.  Having said that, …….nope.  There’s nothing else.  I’m an asshole.

Thanks for reading!  I hope you had a good laugh and will read stories about my crazy family in the future!  Like my Facebook page at www.facebook.com/parentingwithprofanity so you don’t miss a post!  And if you enjoyed it, please feel free to share it! :)

…Unless I offended you…fuck.  Just checking.