So it’s been a long few days since my first blog post. My husband read it, which in hindsight may
have been a mistake. He has now made it
his mission in life to not only leave every cabinet door open when he makes a
sandwich, but to go into the kitchen for no apparent reason other than to open
every door he can find and then just sit back down. When confronted about it, he simply smiled and
said, “Well, babe, I don’t want you to run out of material for your blog…”
FML.
On top of that, yesterday was Martin Luther King, Jr.
Day. Wonderful. There’s no school on MLK Day, which means all
three of my boys were at home, wreaking havoc throughout the house. Thanks a lot, Marty. I found this cute little sign on Pinterest
that I’m going to make if I ever finish picking up fucking orange peels and Small
Deborah cake wrappers from around the living room. (Yeah, I know most people call them Little
Debbie’s. Tomato, Toemahhtoe.)
Sweet huh?
Anyways, speaking of Martin Luther King, Aiden comes home
from school one day last week and I asked him how his day was. He immediately presented a paper chain made
from 3 strips of construction paper that had been looped together and said, “Look
Mom! We made handcuffs for Martin Luther King!” …While I’m super excited Aiden is actually
offering up some details from his day, (because trying to fish for information
from Aiden is like trying to make a project from Pinterest…It seems like it
should work…other people do it all the time.
But then you try it, and it ends up being a big fat fucking fail.)…I’m
not exactly sure that “handcuffs for Martin Luther King” is what his teacher
was going for…
So I decided to push a little farther and ask him, “So what
did MLK do, Aiden? Why was what he did
so important?”
“I don’t know.”
…Riveting.
“Come on, Aiden…you said you learned about Martin Luther
King, Jr. so what did your teacher tell you about him? What’s something he did?”
“Well…he made some friends and then he went to jail. See?” *Presents handcuffs again*
Ok. That’s cute, but
it’s wrong. So we finish walking home
(keep in mind, this conversation took place within our 2.5 minute walk home,
right after leaving the building where he was taught all this important
information…) and we go into the boys’ room where Evan has brought a friend
home from school. Ahh, here we go. I’ll just have the two 5th grade
boys explain to the Kindergartener a little about what they know from their
lessons on the great MLK. Great
teachable moment for everyone and Mom gets the satisfaction of facilitating the
exchange. This is gonna be a great
parenting moment in 3…2…1…
Me: Alright boys, Aiden is a little confused about what
Martin Luther King, Jr. did for this country.
What can you tell him about who MLK was and what he did?
Evan: Uuuuuhhhhh
Friend: Uuuhhhhhmmmm
Evan: Oh! He uhhhhh….well….
Evan and Friend: *Laughter*
Me: Ok, come on boys…what was MLK known for? What did he stand for?
Friend: Oh! Ya! He helped…like…well
he helped…
Me: Yeeeesss…..helped who?
Friend: I don’t know,
he like…helped free the Mexicans or something…right?
Aiden: Ya!!! Just
like Spiderman!!!
Me: The fuck??? No. ***EEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHH****
That was a buzzer sound by the way*** Wrong.
Okay, so that’s not what I said. That’s what I wanted to say. What I said was, “……………………..” nothing. I turned around and shut the door with my palm
still stuck to my forehead. Fail.
On a lighter note, my husband wrote a eulogy for me this
weekend. …Maybe I shouldn’t have started
with that….Ok…second try…
So my husband and I were having a few drinks and I brought
up an idea I saw on Pinterest earlier that day.
He loves my Pinterest ideas.
Anyways, what you do is write down a bunch of things about your spouse
on different pieces of paper. These
should be nice things that are reasons why you want to marry this person. On the wedding day, you put these things in a
box and seal it. It’s called a “First
Fight Box.” When you have your first
fight, you open the box and read what your significant other wrote about you so
that you can remember what it’s all about.
The first thing my husband said was, “Yeah, that sounds
great. I mean assuming that you aren’t normal
and you haven’t had a fight at all until after you were already married.” Ok whatever.
So it’s not perfect, but it’s kind of a cool idea, right? So then he asks me, “Ok, so if we had done
that, what would you have written about me?”
“Well,” I said, with my best bedroom eyes (keep in mind we
have both had a few drinks…) “I would say that you are funny, caring, honest,
you love all of our kids, you show me how much you love me every day, …”
“So I’m funny? That’s it?”
“Whatever, loser, that’s not what I said.”
“Well that’s all I heard…”
Ok, we’re getting off track and at this point I know it’s a
bad idea but I ask anyway, “Fine then, what would you write about me?”
“Well, you’re pretty.
You have big boobs. You have long
legs. I like your ears.”
Seriously? What the
fuck was I thinking telling him he was funny.
Ok, I’ll try something else. If
anyone knows how to fish for compliments, it’s me, and dammit, I’m gonna get
one before this conversation is over.
“Ok. How bout
this. What if I died?”
Too extreme?
I don’t care. I want my goddamn
compliment. “Seriously, babe, what if I
died and you had to write a eulogy? What
would you say?”
“Well...” he starts
without batting an eye, which is a little disturbing but whatever… “It would
probably go something like this… Bronwyn was a great person. She was kind, giving, and she always tried to
bring me up instead of pull me down, which is a really great quality in someone...”
At this point I’m on the edge of my seat thinking wow! That’s 1…2…3 compliments…and he’s still
going! Yay me!
“Buuuuuutttt, that’s all over because she’s dead
now. Dessert wine is out. *drops mic*”
Whatever. I’ll take
what I can get.
Thanks again for reading and don’t forget about my Facebook
Page if you haven’t liked it already! www.facebook.com/parentingwithprofanity
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